When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
