Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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