i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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