My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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