i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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