just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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