I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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