I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
