I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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