I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize