They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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