my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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