My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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