she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think my vagina is haunted
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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