I'm pants shitting drunk right now
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i out mim tonsoeep
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
