Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
