checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
