Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
