then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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