we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
