Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
