so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
