Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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