You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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