He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
