true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
