well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
