When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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