You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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