im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
