Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
