hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
