I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
