I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
