does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I licked your asshole in confidence.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
