ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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