I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
