Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
