I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
