I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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