Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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