I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
