overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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