Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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