Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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