What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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