i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
