I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
