you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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