my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
