Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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