This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
