omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
