Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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