i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
