kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
