my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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