I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
